Art and Soul Reloaded

 I have been giving thought to having a tattoo on my right arm add ijng believe as a reminder that it takes faith to recover from a life threatening diagnosis.  It seems it miggt be a 3 generational journey if we can arrange it, I like that idea.   Today I am struggling had one of those  rotten nights up and down in pain sometimes it does  me in.   Today I am not sure what I plan to do I have a collage to create thinking of using old photo's as a background.  Have begun writing a little poetry inspired by reading a book borrowed  from  Jade "Violet bent backwards over the grass" Lana del Rey.

 This morning I was head strong and got out early  to walk, it was overcast and dreary outside a reflection of how I was feeling.  I strode out hoping to leave the funk behind, instead of listening to my body when it said I had done enough I kept on walking, by the time I got home I was feeling pretty tired and feeling sick.  I was holding onto a lot of sadness and fear which came as a surprise, lots of tears and talking helped shift some of it. It took me most of today to recover, in the future I might listen sooner. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

 Ooops nearly forgot to do todays blog.  Yeah I managed to sleep ok last night, on waking I decided I  would go for a morning walk, I love walking  by the river in the morning, lifting my nose high and inhaling the scent of eucalypt.  As I took deep breaths there lay in front of me a white feather, Carolyn's mum Mollie came to mind it is a symbol fir Carolyn of her mum being close by, I often feel her presence when I walk and find white feathers in my path.  Red flowers lit up the bitumen pathway causing me to pause for a while and take photos of the ancient trees who rise like sentinels along the river bank.   Autumn is on it's way, my favourite time of year, trees turn from green to yellow to orange to red and what a joy they bring to my heart. The days shorten, the heat is less and I find it easier to breathe.  I live in a very pretty part of the world and count my bessings  daily to have found that inner quietude which for many years...

 This is not my work but it reminds me of myself as a child and as an adult.  I often go outside and stare up at the stars.  I think maybe this might be a good place to start my next collage as I haven't done any for a while and would like to get into the swing of it again.  I might draw a child and then cut out the image like the one above using it as the central figure.  I had a dream last night where I wasn't seen or acknowledged this is a trait I have had since childhood the child in the picture is also alone, maybe she to felt she was never seen. Or is it all about me not seeing my real self, me continually following old ways and not facing up to my fears.  I do hold myself back  years ago it was nothing to make a trip into the city but these days just going to Mt Barker does me in. My world seems to be getting smaller.

 I did my first class in yoga today for over 35 years.  I stretched areas of my body that have remained stagnant holding in emotions which snuck into crevices uninvited.  At one stage I became aware of how closed my heart area had become the gentle stretching encouraged me to open the muscles in my chest area.  I will follow up restorative yoga on you tube tomorrow and see if I can continue the process at home.  The instructor was a young woman very enthusiasic about taking the class, she came and assisted me when I couldn't do one of the  poses and explained there are always optional ways of working the body if I find myself struggling.  I found my balance was a little better than I originally thought. I must admit my body felt much better for the session not sure how I will feel tomorrow hopefully not too stiff.  After the class had finished I slipped into the green grocers for food then onto  Vees to help her tidy up her lounge. 

 I remember as a child my mum saying "a little birdie told me" then would recite something that I thought was a secret and no one else knew about. I recall my grandparents doing the same as well as entertaining the young ones singing about two little birdies sitting in a tree, having newspaper stuck to their fingers pretending they were birds. Oh fond memories of time past  One of the assignments this week was to alter something from the op shop, Catherine had given me some upholstery fabric with birds on and this is the final result.  I bought my sewing machine many years ago and didn't really master  it,  put it away in a cupboard yet it always called me to come out.  Yesterday after trying to glue and embroider over rhe images with no  luck of attaching the images I got it out, first I was fingers and thumbs combined with a few swear words I  threaded it up and we were on our way.

We often go searching for beauty far and wide, some seek it in relationships, some in art or architecture spending lots of time and energy.  If we slow down and limit the search it is right there in front of us.  Over the last  year my body has made sure that I slowed down and stick around my home more than I would normally,  this time has given the chance to look closer at my surroundings.  This evening I decided to limit myself to look at through my window at my front garden only.  The photograph above is an illustration of the beauty of nature right there in front of me.  Gratitude for such an amazing place in which I live, safe, colourful and peaceful flooded my senses transporting me into the present moment. For many years in my youth I was the eternal seeker  this part of  me took me to different destinations and situations I might never have had the courage to explore.  Satisfaction was fleeting, as I  flew from one place to ...

 Two nights with little sleep isn't good for the complexion, not sure whether it is the medication that is causing the insomnia or its just me but I hate it.  Tonight I  will take melatonin and see how that goes.  Oh to have a deep long night's sleep. Not a lot of energy to do much, did manage a walk to Vees and back.  Have cut down on the drinking of black tea, no coffee today to see if that helps.  Tomorrow I have the weekly book check up with Catherine, I have completed my assignments this week, my favourite being the red riding hood sculpture.  After the catch up I  will go into Mt Barker to do the weekly shop.  

 I forgot to write yesterday by the time I remembered it was far to late, today I might do  two pieces of writing.  Yesterday was the fourth year anniversary of my dear friend Wiesia's husband Barry's death.  I spent the evening with Wiesia reminiscing old times.  Barry's passing took us all by surprise, he had just returned from a European holiday with Wiesia and was full of stories he wanted to share when his heart gave out.  What might my photo above got to do with this you might think, well we all venture into  the dark woods at sometime in our life and feel as though things are closing  in upon us,  for  Barry he got lost in the woods and couldn't find his way back.  The wolf represents his not listening to his bodily needs and pushing it beyond it capabilities,  refusing  medical  help and doing it his way.  Red riding hood could be seen as the willing helper who guided him to partake the goodness from her ...

 Yeah today I managed a 3.3km walk down by the river something I haven't done since March last year.  It was so nice to get out and push through that lethargy left by the treatment.  I wasn't  sure how I would go but managed it, so pleased to feel like my life is returning to some form of normality.  Following up yesterday's writing on Geoffrey he would have been turning  70 this year I am wondering if there might be a commemoration happening for him and that is why he is on my mind, his birthday  is the 23rd of March, I will hold my own rememberance of him on that day.  Second day of the purple drug trial thinking I might do a liver cleansing juice 2 x a week to help the liver function better.  

 Dear Geoffrey You have been constantly in my thoughts over the last couple of weeks. Funny how someone I knew at school and I was all of 14 holds such a strong memory.  I recall watching you on stage acting in Macbeth you were so into your  character you captivated me and the audience .  As a teenager I wrote you a letter, I  have no idea what I said, I  think I had a crush on  you.  Your response was something I still treasure, instead of making  me feel embarrassed you explained gently that you really didn't think we liked the same things you said you loved the ballet, my response was I loved it to, what you were trying to say was that you were gay, and not into girls.  I was so nieve I didn't know this what you were trying to say. Many years later my mum worked with a woman whose son was a friend of yours, my name came up and you told him the story obviously I left a memory with you too.  This story came back to my mum who didn'...

 I think my energy is beginning to return yeah, thought it might never happen.  My feet are still not back to normal but I am getting used to them although I am constantly aware of them.  I drove into Victor Harbor with Vee today we wandered around dropping into op shops didn't find much, I was looking for a book on red riding hood but I didn't find one.  I am thinking of making a silhouette of red riding hood for 1 of my tasks this week.  Off to the hospital tomorrow for the first day of the trial, will probably be there 5 hrs for the first time.

 These girls were found loitering a few years ago in Launceston town, I fell in love with them, wish I had bought one of them  but getting them back to Adelaide in one piece limited my choice.  I showed them to a friend who I thought would like them as much as me but his comment was they were ugly , I guess as the saying goes it is all in the eyes of the beholder.   I reevaluated our friendship after that, well how could he not  love them, he was a professor, very old  fashioned and a bit of an old woman, certainly not a lot in common with me. I love different and I love quirky right or wrong they have personality and colour.  Not sure who the artist was but one day  I might stumble upon them again as I wander the streets of Launceston.

As a child I either wanted to be black or have red hair and green eyes, I certainly didn't want brown cow eyes and brown boring hair.  Today my hair is grey and curly thanks to chemo the curls that is and I have chosen not to colour my hair because of the chemicals involved and the need to give my body the best chance for recovery.  I have begun crocheting myself headbands in different colours to give my hair a boost of colour.  I often wonder if I wanted to be black or have red hair and green eyes to be different or was it that I never felt that I fitted in and  always felt different.  In my birth family I never thought I fitted, always felt an outsider, the eternal orphan except when I stayed with my maternal grandparents, in their presence I was accepted for myself and loved to be the canter of their attention.