Art and Soul Reloaded

 Some days I don't see a soul or speak to anyone face to face.  I often sit and wonder if I  died overnight how long  it would take for anyone to notice.  Living alone has it's positive notes like never having to ask permission to do something but also holds negatives as well.  Last weekend I struggled to move off the  couch how nice it would have been to have someone around  to make me a cup of tea.  Today I  can move out of my space, visit the local gallery, pick up a few things from the shop or stay quietly locked inside my four walls.  I have just finished lunch, the cats are snoozing outside and if I don't make a decision soon I might  find the day is nearly over.  I am in the midst of pondering still on the volunteer choice and nothing seems to be calling me.  I would like to have some sort of purpose, somewhere to go and mix with other people but I struggle with the enthusiasm and the energy required to make th...

 First attempt today to bake a loaf of gluten free bread, not quite perfect, needs more yeast next time.  Life isn't perfect by no means and my body now bares many scars from life.  Disfigurement especially since having my breast removed last September the healing is slow, the emotions and psychological effects taking much longer.  I have managed to exercise for 30mins, as well as 6mins lymph drainage, think I am on track but would like to say I also did a walk but up to now I haven't.  I did finish off a headband in grey and purple which looks great, now to finish some more.

  Another week nearly over maybe a smidgen more energy today I managed to walk to the post office to pick up the lost package, then the  greengrocer before  taking the longer walk home.  Decided to drive into Mt Barker to pick up some  wool from Spotlight to make a few headbands beginning  with grey and purple I'm  making adjustments in the hope that  it will fit.  Had a call from Judy in Tassie inviting me to come over and stay before May or after September said I would see how things go with my energy hoping it keeps on increasing.

 I have just finished reading Phosphorescence by Julia Baird a good read if anyone is interested.  I wanted to record the ending as a reminder to myself "How do we endure when suffering becomes unbearable and our obstacles seem monstetous? How do we continue to glow when the lights turn out? All we can do really is keep placing one foot on the earth, then the other, to seek out ancient paths  and forests, certain in the knowledge that others have endured before us. We must love. And we must look outwards and upwards at all times, caring for others, seeking wonder and stalkung awe, every day, to find the magic that will sustain us and fuel the light within-our own phosphorescence. And always,  always  pay attention to the world as we live our one wild and precious life, even when we are floating in Bardo.  P281  

 This is a snapchat photo that I just had to keep, love the hairstyle and how young I look.  I certainly wasn't feel young this morning, woke  up feeling rather irritable, this lasted until mid afternoon with a combination of teary outbreaks.  I would like to say I stumbled upon some deep wisdom as I trudged through the emotions but nothing comes to mind, it was just another one of those frustrating days of wishing  I had my old steady feet back instead of these numb ones, I guess I at least still have feet, something to  be grateful for.  These feet did co-operate for 30 minutes on the trampoline as I jogged along shouting fuck cancer, my body is radient, healthy and free of cancer over and over. Best parts of today were meeting up with Catherine and sharing our week as we read  this weeks chapter but  I am not  impressed with this weeks tasks  to create 3 ideas for smartphone apps, not something that appeals to me, might have to t...

 It's  never just black and white, if I allow my mind to wandet there will always be a question, how different might it all have been if I had, had regular mammagrams? I feel like I betrayed my body not the other way around, I didn't take care of it by having regular check ups, denial isn't good medicine and I wouldn't advise anyone to follow my road.  Fear is full in my face daily and I am not sure how best to deal with it.  Today I made myself go to a crochet meeting at the library and met some new people.  Julie and I then went out for lunch something we haven't done for a while, it was good to feel like i was getting back to some normality. 

   Today was pretty challenging I had an infusion of zoledronic acid it is supposed to help strengthen bones after having camcer treatment.  Thank goodness I had been warmed by others that it knocks you around.  During the night it was like something was moving through my body which shouldn't be there, as well as approaching anxiety.  I woke around 4am when I  made a cup of tea and read for a while then went back  to sleep.  On waking I felt sluggish but managed to have a shower and drove to the library then dropped into the op shop but began to feel fuzzy and unsteady so headed home.  On arriving home I began to feel pretty crap I got my pillow from the bedroom and fell onto the lounge. I had little energy, at one stage as I got up I  fell into  the door in the kitchen.  I decided to take my temperature it was 36.7 higher than normal for me but not high enough to be concerned.   I  thought about  calling Ve...

 Showing off my beautiful necklace that Katie gave me during my cancer treatment wearing it for the first time.  Some mornings I struggle to get out of  bed and others I look forward to the day ahead.  My body is still struggling with low energy, some days it is easy to complete tasks, while other mornings I struggle,  this I find deeply frustrating.  How does one overcome this lethargy in the body as well as towards life.  I do daily journalling, gratitude diaries and have learnt self compassion yet I still seem to fall down that damn hole.  Today I had an appointment at the hospital to have a bone infusion, I knew it was in the chemo infusion unit but I didn't expect that feeling of anxiety to be waiting  for  me as I entered the room.  The emotion of being back in this space brought back feelings of the fear I faced each time I came along, the discomfort during and after treatment.  My body, mind and emotions are still traum...

 Oh how I hate those nights to hot to sleep, I toss and turn but no matter what position I am in I  am hot and restless.   The mind continues to dredge up memories from the past repeating over and over  sequences of events long forgotten during the daytime.  Why oh why do I recall silly memories, my first job on the ledger machine at Anchor foods, I suppose this is part of entering the castle thinking about circumstances which stood in my way of following my soul's calling or circumstances I chose over following my soul's voice.  I think I worked at that job for a year then moved into the city to work for Burns Philp where another opportunity came my way to work in the travel industry which I turned down because I was married with a child and couldn't see myself being in the travel industry. Another dream of travel was forfeited as there was no way Ray would have supported me being away and him taking care of Rachel.  If only I could do this life ...

 First time visiting Hampton Park Palace in 2015 after winning a trip to London was a dream come true.  Now I am reminiscing over this amazing time exploring places I would never have contemplated visiting if I hadn't won this.  Avril and I were taken by a black cab around the city visiting the changing of the guard, Abbey Rd Studios, Sherlock Holmes film setting, Shakespeare's theatre and much more.  It really was a wow experience besides coming down with a rotten cold we managed to see so much.  Now  I am entering the internal castle of Caroline Myss's work, I have taken the first step The first mansion and I am curious what is about to unfold, stay  tuned I will write about it,  maybe in short bursts or lengthy ones I remain open to whatever comes. 

 This photo came up today on facebook Carolyn and I enjoying time together in Victoria, how quickly time passes and  little did we know what was awaiting us as we huddled together posing for this photo.  We had a lovely day exploring the exhibition rooms, relaxing having coffee and strolling through the grounds.  COVID and cancer were furthest from our minds, COVID wasn't even heard of, then 2020 gave me cancer and COVID hit the world.  Still today the cancer diagnosis sometimes feels like it is someone else's story, then I see the scar, it's me alright unless the doctors got it all wrong and they made a big mistake or the universe is having a joke on my behalf.  Good friends stick together through thick and thin Carolyn and I have a beautiful friendship spanning many colourful years lets hope this virus soon settles then I can revisit Victoria once again and enjoy relaxing out on the patio with my dear friend.

 Well it is Sunday morning I still have tasks to complete before Tuesday, one is to relax in a hammock for 2 hours doing nothing.  Firstly I don't have a hammock so I have chosen to sit outside under the patio on my reclining lounge but fear 2 hours is a long time to  be doing nothing and not falling asleep.  I have in the past managed to sit for an hour  in contemplation but 2 hours disturbs me. I am reading Entering the Castle by Caroline Myss, coincedence I am upto the part of contemplation and how we as humans find constant distractions to delve deeper into the stillness and silence of life.  Last  Sunday showed me the benefits of slowing down and allowing myself to take time to observe. By choosing to do this I began to see little things which would have gone unnoticed had I not reserved this time and they brought me great pleasure. 

 Music plays softly in the background bringing a soothing quality to my day, gone are the mornings when I would be up at 5.30am readying children for school, cutting lunches which were often left uneaten, dropping the girls at school or bus stops then heading for work.  I was at that stage on an eternal search for my identity, what I was here for and seeking ways to fill myself which resulted in external stuff first.  Stuff you know what that means people,  workshops, consumables, education forever learning and finding the it was never enough.  I believe there is a time and place for the external search but if we stay there to long we become stuck in how we look, how much money we have, how much we own and lose sight of what life is all about.  I am grateful to be in the position of calling myself retired, I didn't come to this place without a struggle, breast cancer was the my assailant forcing me to let go of my stressful position of work.  I love th...

I saw this amazing pair of shoes today oh how I would love to wear them but those days are way behind me now. I wonder who they belonged to, where did they wear them, did they have the time of their life while dancing in the dark.  If they had belonged to me I would never part with them, I think I would have a glass case made to display them for all time.  Why would anyone give them away to the op shop, unless they were left behind from a relationship breakup and this was their only way of getting revenge on their other half.  Oh how I  would love to know the story behind them.  I will keep their memory going in my way by exhibiting them here on my blog.    

 One of my tasks this week was to make angel wings, well here they are.  When I think of angel wings it stirs memories of my friends and family who have left this earthly realm.  Life would have been much duller if they had not touched my life.  Rainbows always bring to mind my friend Bronwyn she lived life with an intensity and force, pushing herself into achieving anything she set her mind to.  Angels of course bring forth memories of Ronda without a h, Robyn such a gentle soul, dad who on his day of the funeral filled  the skies full of angel clouds, John whose presence in life was a force to be reckoned with and many others who are now in heaven.  Today is a day of reflection as the golden tips of wings light up my heart with memories of you all.

 I took a slow walk today just around the block in the attempt to build up my energy levels.   I certainly took the time to smell the roses and oh how exquisite they were.  Nature is pretty awesome how it puts together shapes, forms and colour to create such beauty.  I am so grateful to live in such a wonderful place as well as being able to walk around my town and feel safe.  My heart goes out to those who live  in constant fear whether it be from war, the COVID virus, abuse, health issues or their own inner world which may be dark and dismal, I hold you in my thoughts that one day this will change and you are able to embrace beauty from within and without.  I feel blessed to live in Australia and thank my mother for her persistance to emigrate her, we really are the lucky country.

 One of the final tasks for this week was to have lunch in a different place. Yesterday my mind jumped from one thing to another trying to decide where best to go for lunch, drive somewhere or maybe wander around my own town and find a quiet spot, I decided on the latter, to do a slow walk locally and to take a packed lunch, it was a great decision. I  found the perfect spot down by the river, private from the route of tourists and yet I was still able to observe  my surroundings.  I  love that sense of awareness that comes from being still, the texture, the scent, the colours and activities of the living world began to fill me.  I didn't need to drive anywhere all of life's greatness presented itself to me while I sat and invited beauty to unfold, no searching just observing.  I watched on as a young girl practised her dance routine, while another balanced on her skateboard, as I looked up I  saw a pair of galahs investigating a new home in an ab...

 Taken one Sunday evening when I decided to drive down to Goolwa after being shut inside hiding from the heat.  It is a reflection of how some days the tears seem to roll out, sadness seems to be part of me that surfaces when my body says no.  Yesterday was one of those days, no matter what  I did there seemed to be an underlying message "believe in myself, my abilities and do it" I did make a pair of angel wings from air dried clay which I am waiting to dry then I will paint them gold, they are part of my asignment this week I still have one more thing on the list to do and that is to have lunch somewhere different maybe I will drive down to basshams beach and watch the ocean while eating lunch ?

 I created this piece many years ago, I think I was living in Melbourne at the time.  I wanted a change in mood and energy after completing my treatment and this mandala popped up as I was looking for something new to display in my home.  Since having its energy in my living area I was compelled to bring in more pink to my living space and bedroom, out came the paints and stencils as well as a few  cushions and throws transforming the rooms.  I now have a tranquil setting in my living room and bedroom reflecting the inner peace I am slowly experiencing as the constant hospital visits slow down. I am eternally grateful for all of the support provided to me from family, friends, doctors and nurses now it is time for  me to take time out in my creative environment and breathe in the beauty each day brings forth. 

 Welcome Lizzie My new best friend moved in today she sits right beside my heart filling the space where my old breast sat, she also came with her own bed for her to sleep comfortably at night.  It took me a while to organize meeting her but now I have I am glad I took the step, although she feels heavy when placing her into my bra once she is on she feels just like having my old boob back.  I am still having days of sadness and fatigue with feelings of overwhelm when unfamiliar pains in the body stir up the fear of the cancer reoccurring. I try to stay positive and look for the beauty I have around me and think of a new way of dealing with the dark thoughts, the collages I create on a daily basis help me through, today's theme is window I have chosen to go with eyes are the windows to our soul.  If I look deeply into someone's eyes I can often see what they are truly feeling or in lot's of cases hiding, I don't do it often these days as people may find it intrusive....

 A red rose turned blue, do i prefer the original colour or the manipulated one, i belueve both bring different qualities to the eye of the beholder. The red one might speak to me of passionate embraces or the love of a friend, it's fragrance awakens me to a deeper level the natural beauty of life and the joy it offers.  The purple rose speaks to me of intensity, saturation and royalty.  At this present moment i am struggling with my life challenges, my passion lays in shards scattered in infinate crevices waiting for me to gather them together and create a new story, a new way of living after the shock waves of having a diagnosis of cancer.  How does one start ovet, how does one walk without fear and embrace life with gusto?

 After a frustrating start to our day being held up by an inconsiderate slow driver Avril and I decided to visit the cube.  I had been wanting to see this place for a while but as usual life got in the way.  We were delighted to find before  entering the building an art exhibition held in a tent, the paintings some original, some copies were thought provoking while extremely expensive.  I had heard from others that the building was considered a blight on the landscape where as i thought it was a fascinating concept, different of course, drew attention yes but it also brought an interesting artist into view here in South Australia.  I feel privileged to have been able to see replicas of Salvador Dali's work here in my homeland.  We visited the museum which was well set up tgen wandered into the exhibition.  After wandering and taking many photos we reclined in the cafe choosing pate' and coffee before heading into the most delightful toilets I have...

  When was it I lost touch with that magical feeling of being alive, did I leave it in a safe place to be picked up when my life looked rosy.  Question! is it hidden at the bottom of my Wellington boots, hidden deep in the squishy, gloopy, dark contours of childhood dilemmas?. Maybe I gave it away to the stars, or was I seduced by the night who promised me diamonds but in hindsight turned the magic into subdued planets hidden from sight. Where ever it is I long for it's presence to greet me once more, please oh please come knocking upon my door.